“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord wants my soul after what I’ve done.” I can feel the blood forming in the back of my throat. As I look around with blurred vision at the darkened alley I’ve dragged myself into, I can only think, “if I don’t pass on during my sleep, I’m sure there is someone out there who will find me and finish me off.” But I can not keep my eyes open anymore, I’m so tired. It’s been a long day.
My story, for like a lot of others guys similar to me, started with a girl. Was I in love? You could say I was enraptured with, and dedicated to. Yes…. I was absolutely, head
over toes, in love. I had fallen, in so many ways.
----------
2:01 am Sunday Morning, March 23rd, 2008
I work at a waterfront restaurant on the beautiful shores of Lake Simcoe. I’m a head bartender, (of four) and a pretty good one at that; In fact, I’m the next in line to the restaurant Manager. I aspire to be my own Manager one day with my own little place.
Being right on the water is great, and this place I’m at has a really nice atmosphere, but I got my eye on a little piece of property on the other side of the lake. It is settled in a nice little cove, somewhere I could set up a small little bistro with my best friend Todd. He is currently in cooking school and working his way toward becoming a chief.
We both want something small nd intimate, something with class, and something that would exude romance. A small Jazz trio would play out on the patio, while I would manage, and Todd would cook the most delicious meals.
“Jack, wake up! Stop day dreaming.” The boss Tony brings me out of my fantasy. “We are closing up soon.”
Reality set in once again as I started wiping down the bar and putting away glasses. I liked working here. It was always steady with business; the people were great, the staff I worked with as well as the guests we had come in; and I was learning quite a bit about the business. Tony would always point out certain things and take the time to explain other stuff. That and my night classes for Restaurant Management had me on the right path.
“So, Jack. I was going through the mail today and I had this letter come in.” He slid the envelope onto the bar. “Right address; but I don’t know this person, do you?"
Rose Carpenter.
“No. Maybe she worked here before you and me.” Tony and I both came on board two years ago with new ownership. They wanted to make improvements to the place. I think we were doing a good job. “Tell ya’ what. If you can find her name in our files on the computer, I’ll give her a call tomorrow.”
Tony just smiled, scooped up the letter and said his good nights. He and I took turns closing the place and this weekend, it was my job.
----------
I’m not sure why, but I was nervous to call this Rose girl. Tony had done his job and tracked down her phone number. So now, here I was, pacing my living room floor going over in my head what I was going to say.
The bachelor apartment I lived in had seen better days. Usually I was very meticulous about things and kept the place very clean, but the last few days had been so busy at work, and with two staff sick, I was pulling over time. I had barely been home enough to eat and sleep.
My attention was drawn a few times to the surrounding mess as I thought, but I tried to stay focused on the phone call. I was putting too much into this. I was simply calling about this letter. But even the name, Rose, lead me to a beautiful place.
I muttered to myself about my shyness, and without any further hesitations, I picked up the phone and dialed her number. On the fourth ring I almost hung up, but the other end was answered.
“Hello?”
'The lips of an angel'. How lame, I thought to myself. “Hi, my name is Jack.” I went on to explain the letter and how it came to be in my possession. She told me that when she last worked at the restaurant, three years ago, a year prior to myself, she was living in the apartment out in the back and had used the restaurant as a mailing address. Rose had apparently attended a cooking school down in the big city months earlier and that the letter was probably from them. She lived down in that big city now, but the new address she gave them probably got mixed up with this one.
“It is so sweet that you went to the trouble of calling.”
“No trouble.”
“Would you possibly be able to forward it to me if I gave you my address?”
I sunk into a little depression. Part of me was really hoping to meet her. Maybe I could suggest going down there.
“You know what?” she interrupted my thoughts. “I’m off tomorrow. Maybe I could come by the restaurant. I haven’t been up to the lake since I left there. Would that be alright?”
I smiled my answer, but soon figured she couldn’t see me. “Sure.”
“Alright then. I have a few things to do before hand, so I’ll be there around 8pm.”
“That works”
“It’s a date then.” And she hung up.
For a while I listened to the static tone, another smile crept onto my face. “A date?”
----------
I had gotten up at a fairly decent hour that day. I tried to keep myself occupied with various little tasks around the apartment all the while preparing for my upcoming encounter with Rose. Assuming she’d want to come back here was a bit self absorbed, but regardless, I worked at making the place sparkle.
At three that afternoon I was scheduled to go into work. Once I arrived there I set out many chores for myself to help the time go by. Monday’s were usually pretty slow at the restaurant, today was no different.
I had arrived early so that I could grab something to eat. I told Tony all about my phone call to Rose and her now scheduled arrival. Earlier, I had repeated the same story when I called Todd.
“Just take things slow, don’t rush into anything. Remember, she’s simply coming in to get a letter.”
“I know. You’re right.”
“But then again, don’t let a good opportunity slip through your fingers.” Todd always had a knack for calming me down and at the same time building the pressure.
As my best friend, I confessed all my feelings to Todd about dating and the opposite sex. But the best advice I ever got when it came to matters of the heart, was from my sister, Emily. She lived hours away with her fiancée and I only occasionally got to see her; but we always had fun with laughter, deep discussion, and a few drinks, when we did. I hadn’t talked to her about my thoughts on Rose and I planned not to until I knew for sure there was something.
So I spent most of my waiting hours serving a few drinks, but mostly cleaning the bar, polishing glasses, and counting my liquor inventory. Looking at my watch, it was almost 8:45pm when I decided to start another count, no signs of Rose. I was kneeling on the floor, reaching into the back cooler, when a small crumpled up piece of paper was thrown at my back.
Turning around, I was ready to grab it up and toss it back. I figured it was Tony playing with my emotions. He had been jokingly on my case since about five past eight. I guess he could sense my anticipation. But it wasn’t Tony. No. instead of his ugly mug, I had the pleasure of looking upon a face of beauty.
Silky white skin; slight coloured rosy cheeks; blue heavenly eyes; a gorgeous smile portrayed by perfect lips; shoulder length blond hair; and what I sensed was a killer body. I couldn’t really tell because she was seated and the bar covered most of her from the chest down.
I was awe struck.
“You Jack?”
I had hoped my tongue wasn’t hanging out. “Yeah.”
“I believe you have something of mine.”
“Are you Rose?” Like I didn’t already know.
She just smiled.
I made my way up, off my knees, and walked over to her. We started with a hand shake; her skin was so smooth. I handed her the letter from my back pocket. But conservation began and prevented her from opening it. Things started off slow, but took off rather quickly after a while. I served a few drinks while we talked, but I mainly stayed focused on her. What a sight she was.
Rose talked with a whisper of laughter behind every word. Her smile never seemed to fade as she spoke of her life. Apparently she lived and worked on the outskirts of the city, about a half hour from this place. She had graduated from cooking school and now worked as a short order cook at a Kelsey’s.
“The letter is probably my notification of graduating. I received my diploma, but never this. No big deal really.” She smiled and laughed. She was correct in her assumption after opening the letter.
I told her of my friend Todd and his going to cooking school and our plans to open up a little Bistro one day. We had quite a few similar interests and shared them as the night passed. I eventually moved us over to a table, taking some glasses and a bottle of wine, and getting a full view of Rose. Just like I had thought, tall, slim, and hour glass shapely.
Tony closed up and left us to enjoy our conversation. Rose left after a few hours, but not before we exchanged telephone numbers and made plans. She would come up again in a couple of days when we were both off of work.
----------
“Did you miss me?” Rose stood at my front door, her sexy silhouette driving me crazy.
“I did, actually.” My response remained coy.
“We did click the other night, didn’t we?” That question was rhetorical.
I moved to the side to let her enter. She had with her a bag full of groceries as well as a bottle of wine. We had spoken on the phone the day before and she had told me that dinner was on her, she wanted to use my kitchen to show off her expertise. It was a reward for the letter, but I suspected it was more then just that.
We moved into the kitchen after she removed her sandals; no coat was needed on the warm spring day. I stood back and watched as she began to unpack and get familiar with the room. She looked into every cupboard, smiling back at me after every check.
“I got to admit, for a small apartment kitchen you have quite a bit here.” She playfully stuck out her tongue and giggled.
Secretively I had gone out early that day to buy some kitchen supplies Todd informed me a cook would want. He knew what I had, and it wasn’t a lot.
While she prepared and started her meal, we conversed over things such as family, (she had a fairly big one, where I only had Emily) religion, (we both agreed to non-committal, except to God) and my dreams of a restaurant, her dreams of becoming a chief.
“You should talk shop with my friend, Todd.”
“Maybe one day. Right now I’m just interested in you.” Her smile sent shivers down my spine every time.
We moved to the nearby living room to eat. I poured the glasses of wine, a white Shiraz, very nice. And she brought in the dinner. Two grilled ten ounce veal peppered steaks with green peppercorn sauce, along with roasted garlic mashed russet potatoes and fresh steamed carrots on the side. When I tasted, oooh, heaven!
I wanted to say ‘Marry me’, but I held my tongue. That’s just foolish.
We talked more all throughout dinner. Mainly I complimented her on the amazingly delicious food. I also happily noticed that she casually took moments to move herself closer to my side.
When both her and I were done with our meals, I gathered up the dishes and quickly moved them into the kitchen. I wasted no time getting back to the couch and by her side; she made sure to pull my hand and guide me close. We looked and smiled at each other and I poured more wine to indulge in.
“So was the meal satisfactory?”
My grin indicated it was. “The entire night actually.”
“Well, I’ve brought something for dessert, or…….” She leaned forward while pulling my shirt collar in. We kissed!
We kissed a lot. We made ourselves comfortable on my long couch, as best we could anyway. My hands grasped her hands, and we only let go to explore each others body. In all of my previous experiences, never had I known foreplay to be so irresistibly good.
Because of the fact that I really, really liked this girl and wanted this relationship to last, I actually thought about stopping things. Pulling back. There was no need to rush. But who was I kidding? I didn’t want to do that, and by the feel of things, she had no desires to stop either.
I felt I had no other choice in the matter; I had to have sex with this incredible woman, tonight. A beautiful angel. Someone I had so much in common with. An absolutely
amazing cook. At this moment, I felt as though I knew what God’s kingdom of heaven was all about… Love.
----------
Over the course of the next month we were fairly inseparable. We both had jobs and other commitments to attend, but the majority of time was spent together. We’d do things like bicycle riding, canoeing, walking hand in hand, and a lot of intimate stuff.
Rose mostly came out to the restaurant when I was working just before close. She’d wait around while I would wrap things up, and then we’d take a bottle of wine and go sit out on the patio in the back; overlooking the lake and gazing up at the stars. We would talk and drink into the night and then head back to my place.
On any given morning off, her and I would stay in bed, talk, laugh, (I loved her soft and innocent laugh) kiss, (another thing I loved to do with this women) and just cuddle. We could stay wrapped up in each others arms for hours on end without saying a word.
It usually worked out that when Rose had to work, I had to work. Although being that I made up part of the schedule at work with Tony, I got the privilege to reflect hers. If I wasn’t working I’d study things from school; my classes were over with and I graduated with honors.
When Rose and I talked over work, she would usually introduce me to the many fabulous techniques and recipes she had learnt. Like the Maryland Crispy Crab, handmade with tender lump crabmeat and imported seasonings, and she’d serve it with lemon caper tartar sauce. Or the cheese and Asparagus Agnaloti, a whole wheat dough with a citrus saffron Alfredo sauce. Or the Blackened Walleye Fish with Mango Salsa. My mouth would always open a bit and fill with anticipation. She would giggle at my expense.
I would occasionally make some meals, but usually Rose liked to show off her talents, and I couldn’t have been happier to allow her the kitchen. She loved food and to prepare it for others. She said that it was good practice.
Sometimes we just went out. We’d sit there being our own little critics, talking about food and atmosphere and how we’d improve it.
This night, we sat in one of those restaurants. It had few patrons, but not many; so we did not feel congested in the least.
“Are you happy, Jack?” Her smile and the glow that was produced from it always filled me with warmth.
I reached across the table and took her hand, starring into eyes. “Of course I am.” When I asked her the same question, she remained silent, but her eyes told me that she was.
She continued her silent gaze into my eyes.
“Tell me what’s going on in that brilliant head of yours?” I wanted to know her every thought. The proceeding hard swallow I saw take place in her throat instead of any immediate response, gave me a bit of an ill feeling.
“Jack…”
I saw a tear trickle, and I lowered my head in a heavy breath. My heart began to sink without even hearing her words, I could feel them.
“Jack.” She gathered her strength while shedding more tears. She did not want to display too much, as we were in a public place. “We need to talk, but not here.” She got up to leave.
I knew I was to follow, but I had to take a moment. I grabbed hold of the nearest
waitress to pay the bill. Slowly I got up to go after Rose. I felt like I was marching to
certain doom. If I just stayed in the restaurant, I could avoid this inevitable heartbreak;
even if for just a while longer. But I knew it was not something I could simply avoid. So I
took a deep breath, and I then pushed out the door to go and find my beautiful Rose.
----------
8:04pm Friday Evening, October 24th, 2008
That night played out as the worst night of my life. Rose had been waiting out in the parking lot for me. Silence began the conversation; then slowly words came to our lips. I could tell that this wasn’t easy for her, she stumbled with her words. Rose shed more tears then I; actually, they were all hers.
I knew Rose wasn’t a bad person, and as an outsider I might have felt a bit sorry for her. But I wasn’t an outsider, I was me; and all I could think was 'uncaring bitch!' But I didn’t actually say that. I didn’t really say much.
When she was done stomping on my insides she asked if we could still be friends.
'What the hell?' But instead “I think we could do that.”
Rose opted to take a bus home. It worked out because we were closer to her place, and I didn’t really feel like driving her home. But I still walked her to the station and watched her get on.
“Sorry, Jack”. She spoke it very softly. I never really did get much of an explaination, other then, "I'm not ready for this." How that made sense, I don't know.
I just smiled my goodbye. I recalled at that moment a Jack Nicholson remark from the Batman movie about his smile being only skin deep and really crying on the inside.
Driving home wasn’t fun for me. I listened to love songs on the radio and swore at every one of them. Still not crying, but I could feel the tears. On the way home it started to rain. How fitting for the night, I thought.
When I pulled into my driveway, I just sat for a moment in my cart. Eventually I got out and chose to walk around in the rain for a bit. My first thought was to go up to my apartment and drink myself silly, but as soon as I started up the front steps I changed my mind. I was going to have a hot shower, get into dry clothes, and call the one person I could always count on in these dark times……. Emily.
Emily was a savior, always knowing the right thing to say; although she mostly listened as I sat on my couch. She tried her best to let me lean on her shoulder over the phone line from a distance away. We talked for a little over an hour. She told me to get a good night sleep, and that she’d be at my place in the afternoon to hang out with me for the next few days.
I was off, a planned day to be with Rose. Guess that wasn’t going to work out. The next day I planned to call in sick. Emily, a college professor of business, blew off work, told them to get a substitute, "family emergency" she had said.
I didn’t really get to have that good night sleep she asked for, but I was sure glad she came.
“Hey, sis; It’s been a while.”
She reached out to give me a big hug. “I love you, Jack; even if that bitch doesn’t!”
No mincing words, we got right into it. I sat on the couch, again, and she listened while unloading her bags. She then helped herself to a glass and some wine from the fridge.
“You don’t mind, do you?” It was asked with smile.
I winked back. “Never.”
She brought me a beer and took a place by side. “We’ll get through this together.”
Once we clinked glasses I felt better.
--------
“Earth to Jack.”
I was trying my best to concentrate at this little meeting between Emily, Todd, and myself. But my mind kept slipping back to the memory of Rose. I had to wonder if it had to do with the sappy songs on the radio or the alcohol.
“Sorry guys.”
“It’s ok. But as your best friend and future Restaurant partner, I’m cutting you off.”
“He’s only had two drinks.” Emily was always trying to defend me, but she knew, as well as I, that alcohol in my state wasn’t a cure. She was smart, and that’s why she was here. Emily was overlooking everything to help us get our business started; both Todd and I trusted her. And she liked doing it.
“Maybe it is time to call it a night.” Todd was inching up from his chair and yawning; it was getting late.
Emily agreed, but at the same time went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine and grab a few more of the cheese and cracker snacks I had put out. Todd had made us all dinner earlier, a sample of his planned menu. Grilled Salmon Oscar Fillet; a 6 ounce Salmon Fillet grilled and then topped with Snow Crab, Asparagus & Hollandaise Glaze. Our mouths were still watering.
We both said goodnight to Todd. He still felt it was a strange coincidence that I happened to fall for a girl that was a cook like him; although he made it clear outright that she couldn’t possibly be as good as him.
He stopped in the doorway to say one final thing before leaving. “Jack, your life is not a Backstreet Boys song; your life is not ‘incomplete’ without her.” He smiled, winked at me, hugged Emily, and left.
“He’s right, you know?” Emily sneered at me as I closed the door.
“What time is your fiancée coming to get you?” I playfully chimed back with sarcasm.
“Very funny.”
“I know he is right. It’s not like I see visions of her around every street corner.” That only happened once….. maybe twice. “It’s just going to take some time, is that alright with you?”
She answered with a hug. “Of course it is. We’re just looking out for you.”
“I appreciate it. And I appreciate all of the time you knocked off work to spend with me; listening to all my blubbering.”
“I like your blubbering.”
I smiled. “You’re so sweet. If you ever need to blubber, go right ahead.”
“Well, I guess there is this one thing."
“What?”
“I don’t want you to get mad.”
She looked very serious all of sudden. “What is it, Em’.?”
“I was mugged a few weeks ago.”
“What?” I was concerned, and yeah, I was a bit mad.
She explained to me that she had planned on calling me to tell me the news, but I had beaten her to the punch. I had called her about this whole break up thing with Rose. She had decided to let it go and be there for me. Emily figured that she could be there for me, because her fiancée, Brandon, was there for her.
Emily was in the city, out for dinner with Brandon when it happened. Apparently after dinner they had decided to go for a walk in the park. They hit a public bathroom, and while he was inside she was encountered by a couple of guys.
“It’s ok, nothing happened. Brandon came out and scarred them off. But they grabbed my purse. Fortunately I only had one credit card and my diver’s license in there. I’ve since renewed my license and cancelled my card. I made a police report and everything.”
“And what happened?”
“No news”
“Em’. You should have told me.”
“I’m sorry.”
I smiled and reached out to give her a hug.
--------
November and most of December had dragged by and I found myself displaying what some would describe as a ‘zombie-like’ state. I didn’t completely zone out, but I wasn’t as tuned into things as usual. I worked a lot, taking on quite a bit of overtime at the restaurant; I worked on a few things with Todd in regards to our future plans; and I once and while hung out with Emily and Brandon. But it was all done in a bit of a haze. I also mostly sat around the apartment and polished up on my brooding skills.
Two things plagued my mind. Emily’s story about being mugged, and my lost cause on Rose. And I think I was going a little crazy over the second one.
Emily had made me promise to drop the subject and not breath a word of it after that first conversation. My parents had died together in a car accident year’s earlier, hit head on by a drunk driver; and as horrible as the thought was, I was glad they were not here for me to have to lie to or withhold vital information from. They always coddled Emily, and this mugging thing would worry them so. So I dropped the subject, but that didn’t keep me from thinking about it.
I kept my eyes on the news for similar stories, and they were there. A few rash burglaries and muggings in the area Emily described. She told me that she had talked to the cops but they had not been hopeful about anything. And she said she had replaced everything from the stolen hand bag with no problems, but still…. I worried.
Rose was an entirely different story. I didn’t worry about her, I just couldn’t get over her. It took me a while, but I had to admit was it true. The worst was the hallucinations. I swore that there were times I saw her standing on a street corner, or sitting under the bus shelter outside my apartment building. I was losing it! I blamed it on the gosh darned cold weather. I had imagined in my mind that it was when Rose walked away from my life that the weather turned. The beautiful summer and fall months turned into rain and now bitter cold. I dreaded the first snow.
It wasn’t until the third week into December that it happened. A light dusting of the white flakes spread out over the surrounding land. A sign to start decorating for Christmas. Emily and Brandon loved the holiday season, what a pair; I though was a bit of a Grinch this year.
Christmas came and went with little pleasantries, I just couldn’t get in the Mood. But for New Year’s, I was forced into having fun.
Emily, Brandon, Todd, and myself went a local pub to meet with some people and share in a few drinks, but then continued our own festivities back at my place. Champaign, party favors and resolutions for a better, brighter year were a must.
We toasted Emily and Brandon’s wedding, set for late September. We talked about the
new restaurant a lot, Todd would be completed culinary school in July, and it didn’t hurt
that his fairly rich parents were investing. Emily and I too had saved the majority of our
parent’s insurance money and inheritance to put into this deal. All in all, it was a good
night; one of the better ones anyway.
--------
As much as I had wanted and talked about change that December 31st night at an hour
before the new year, things remained the same.
January.
February.
March.
Those three months could drag out and get depressing at the best of times. What, with the sunless sky and the bitter cold and the fallen snow; and this year was no exception to the snow and the cold. I had always thought you get one or the other, but I was apparently wrong, as were a lot of people. But even so, I remained steadfast in my gloomy mood.
Emily tried to cheer me up on the phone at times, but she was always busy with either wedding stuff or her job at the school. They lived too far from me for just a pop in visit anyway. And Todd was finding a more hectic pace at school for his last semester, I didn’t want to distract him, it was important he graduate.
Nope, my solace came through work, trying to keep busy, and enjoying my evening dinners at home in front of the television with my recent good friends, Ronald McDonald and Cornel Sanders.
Then one night, when the snow had been long gone and replaced by brisk Spring wind
and rain, I got a call…….
--------
11:10pm Thursday evening, April 23, 2009
I had just sat down, was watching my favorite movie, ‘The Fifth Element’ with Mila Jovovich and Bruce Willis, a futuristic Sci-Fi classic about a kick ass super human girl that saves the world along with a daredevil cabbie. I had my buttered popcorn. I was set. So I naturally didn’t want to answer the phone, and thanks to call display, I could easily screen. I might’ve answered if it was Emily, but it wasn’t, I didn’t recognize….
“Holy crap!” It was Rose’s cell phone. I tossed my popcorn bowl on the table; I had to reach over for it to prevent the bowl sliding off the edge of the table.
“Rose?”
“Jack, I’m ………… I think I’m ……….. at ……..” The words were being cut through static and the sound was very low.
“Rose, I can’t hear you.”
“I need ……. ack. Please, I’m……… running …………..ared.”
That sounded like scared. Was she in trouble? I was kneeling up on the couch. “Rose, where are you?” I found myself shouting to make up for her barely heard voice.
“Please, Ja………. come.”
“I will come, but I need to know where.”
“Jack, I ……” The phone went dead.
“Rose! Rose!” I jumped off of the couch to my feet. I was shaking and I could feel tears stinging my eyes, but the adrenaline surging through me kept it level. I paced back and forth. I tried redialing. First it rang and rang, then it was just dead. I banged my fist into my head.
“What the hell was that?” I screamed to myself the urgency of the situation. It was trouble I knew it. But how was I supposed to get to her. I didn’t know any of her family or friends. Then the only thing came to me, I knew where she worked. I looked franticly through my cell phone address book, I had never erased it.
“Rose Carpenter?” It was a male voice in what sounded like a busy Kelsey’s restaurant. “Yeah, she got off about a half hour ago.”
Great, I knew were she had been. I was once at her work, I could get there in thirty minutes, fifteen if I doubled my speed and ignored the law, (I doubted much traffic considering the late hour.) twenty though considering the rain. I threw down the phone and screamed my thanks. I was wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants, so I just grabbed a jacket and bolted with my keys, from the apartment.
The driving was a bit of a blur, the rain had let up from the downpour we were getting before, but it was also somewhat foggy. I passed many other cars, wondering what people thought seeing a man in a car yelling. I screamed profanities at every light, every driver. I thought about what to do once I got to the restaurant.
Rose had pointed out the bus that she usually took home from work, there was a stop at the corner where she grabbed it and it dropped her off practically right in front of her place. I knew that she hadn’t been calling from the bus, she was on foot, somewhere. There was a path that could be taken to her place if she were to walk, she told me once that it passed through a playground and snaked along a creek. But why would she choose to walk home in the dark, and the rain?
“Oh, Rose. Did you walk?” It was a rhetorical question to myself. My worst fears said that she foolishly did decide just that. As I drove I continued trying her cell and her home, back and forth. The cell was giving a busy tone now, and her home was just clicking into the machine.
Was she trying to call me? Was she talking to someone else? Was I being stupid here? No, her call sounded panicked, she was in trouble. I was creeping along some back streets, I felt, or hoped, close to where Rose might be.
“Finally!” I was more overjoyed then I should have been when her cell phone rang. Unfortunately though it continued ringing. I hung up and tried again, same thing.
“Shit!” In frustration I threw my phone down on the floor. It was open and therefore offline, Rose wouldn’t be able to call me I thought. As I reached down for it, I felt the bump that jolted my truck. My instincts made me hit the brakes to a dead stop. I wasn’t going that fast, and as awful as hitting someone was, I didn’t need it right now.
I got out and rounded to the front of the vehicle.
How could I have ever foreseen this?
“Rose.” I had hit her.
--------
Over the next few months into July, things were very similar to the beginning few months of the year. Only the depression was replaced with guilt and anxiety.
The police had arrested me that night, but I was quickly released; based on the fact that Rose had run out into the open street. Two nearby witnesses had confirmed this story. And as it turned out, Rose, with her cat-like reflexes, came to a speeding halt right before colliding with my truck and barely hit me. I also was creeping at such a slow pace by then that I don’t think I could of done that much damage regardless.
Rose had turned her body to the side before the truck had impacted her, so it was only a fractured hip she suffered; from me anyway. But I still felt guilty.
She was actually in much worse shape; she had been attacked. I could only breath a little relief with the fact that she hadn’t been raped. But because my feisty Rose wouldn’t go easy, she was beaten real bad. Coma bad.
The police had found her cell phone about fifty feet back from where our collision had taken place. Obvious signs of a struggle could be found. With me confirming to the cops her phone call to me and time since, along with the story from her manager at Kelsey’s, along with some co-workers who said that she hung around for a bit after work, the scenario began to unfold.
They said they thought that Rose must of encountered her stalkers some time between when she left her friends and called me. When we had been in conversation she must have been on the run. Then she must of fell somewhere after we were cut off, caught, and beaten.
Doctors said that with all the head trauma they were dumb struck at her ability to actually have gotten up and run to the street were she met up with me. Whether she had fought her way back to her feet, or just left there for dead, was undetermined.
“Poor, sweet, Rose.” I felt like I was going to be sick.
After having called 911 for an ambulance, my next call went to Emily. Faster then I could have imagined, she had dropped everything and was by my side. That is were she remained for the next month, putting work on hold, taking family time. When she had to return, she mostly drove back and forth from my place to the city. Tony had allowed me to take as much time as I needed from the restaurant. Although both Emily and I had to go back at some point.
Both Todd and Brandon were at my place quite often. We would all sit around and order in; pizza, chinese, chicken. Every so often though, Todd would fill me up with a delicious new entrée. Emily too, pretty good in the kitchen herself, made it mandatory we have a home cooked meal every so often.
I spent much of my time at the hospital with Rose. And I was now getting to meet her family, it sucked under the circumstances. She hadn’t been kidding either when she referred to hers as a big family. I met mom and dad, three brothers, two sisters, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, even her grandparents were still around. And quite a lot of friends of hers made appearances, all of them seeming to know already who I was. Her family too had said that Rose had spoke of me often; at least during the time we were together.
“I don’t know why you and my Rose broke up,” her father, Tim, spoke to me one day, “and I don’t mean to pry, Jack, but I am glad you were the one to find her.” He squeezed his wife, Jane’s, hand. We stood at the foot of her hospital bed. “We both are.”
I wanted to accept their kind thanks, but I couldn’t. I felt that I had done nothing to deserve it.
The hospital, like most I had been to, helped set the monotonous feeling that sit inside. The place had no colour to it, just stark white. In the room, in the halls, in the cafeteria. It almost felt like one giant straight jacket. Except for the main lobby, this was brown and grey and had a waterfall garden of greenery in it’s centre. The sound, aside from the falling water, was soft, depressing, (at least to me) instrumental music. Things were extremely quiet, not even the libraries in school were like this. The only thing that gave the building life was at night when the outside towering smokestack light up in a purple haze.
When not at the hospital or at home mopping by Emily’s side or eventually back at work, once again moving in my zombie-like motions, I was reading papers, watching news reports, and harassing the police about leads. They even threatened to arrest me if I didn’t leave.
I kept details of her doctor reports as well as police reports. I cut out any newspaper article that related, in anyway, similarities to what had happened to Rose. I returned to her place of work many times to go over the nights events. It was always the same. She got off work, hung outside talking to some co-workers, headed to the bus. No sign of any lingering creeps. But I wouldn’t let it go, I couldn’t.
Everything I was gathering on the incident I kept to myself; and especially away from Emily who thought I was bordering on a psychotic breakdown and expressed her worry.
“I love you, Jack. I can see this thing is still eating away at you. Maybe you need to talk to someone.”
“A shrink?” I knew she only meant well. “Maybe.”
Against my wishes she and Brandon put their wedding on hold, and Todd followed suit by saying he was going to look for a job once graduating school.
“It isn’t the right time to be starting a business.”
I tried to argue, but I knew he was right. Besides, I was only able to focus on one thing,
well two actually, visiting Rose and looking for a way to bring her attackers to some kind
of justice.
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8:15pm Thursday evening, August 20th, 2009
Spending evenings down at Kelsey’s became fairly usual for me, about once every two weeks. I was there for different reasons, one being that it was close to the hospital where Rose was at; two being that it gave me a sense of her, where she had spent a lot of time, where she had friends. But mostly it was to try and figure out some how what exactly went wrong that night.
Tonight was busy with customers, the place was hopping. It was packed to the brim, but it was doing well. I had a fleeting thought, this was the exact type of atmosphere that compelled Todd and I on our business venture. I think he felt let down lately because we hadn’t been talking about it much.
“Jack, it’s always good to see you.” Jessica was Rose’s best friend; also someone I had pressed more then once for answers.
My response came with a smile, “Likewise.” Jessica was good at lifting any down spirit with her big, cheerful smile.
“Visiting Rose?”
“Yes, I was just there and thought I’d grab a bite before heading home.”
She eyed me suspiciously, she knew there were quite a few closer places to the hospital. “So, any news?”
“No change.” Just like that my mood was down again. Rose still lay in a coma; her head wrapped in bandages. Any scratches or bruising was long gone, and the fractured hip was heeling up well and fast.
Jess apologized, although she had done nothing wrong, and took my order. I had chicken wings and a beer.
The night went on with little conversation. I finished up, paid my bill, said goodbye to Jessica and a few of the others there that I had gotten to know, and left.
When I got outside, it was dark, brisk, but the cold air felt good. I let my lungs take in a deep breath. I stood for a moment and thought about where it was I wanted to go now. It was a morbid fascination, but I found myself following the path Rose had taken the rainy night.
I passed by the bus shelter at the corner and crossed the street, proceeding to walk across the field there and onto a small path surrounded by bush. It was fairly dark, lit by dim street lamps spread in width. Why Rose would ever walk this way, I can’t be sure. She was smarter then this.
I found the open part of the path where it has been assumed she met her attackers. She then set foot off the path and through the bush. I could only assume at this point she ran in circles, even I was having a hard time finding any signs of a clearing and I wasn’t being chased. No wonder Rose was all scratched up, I mean aside from and beating, the branches here must have been whipping at her face.
The brush that I was walking through, Rose running through, finally came to an opening. A downward hill, a small three foot creek, (easily jumpable) and then back up to another path. Once crossing this, Rose had for some reason chosen the option of going through more brush. Maybe the path had been cut off by multiple attackers. I wasn’t sure, neither had the police been.
I continued where Rose went. Eventually coming to the break in the surrounding trees and bushes where they must have caught up with her.
“This may have been a mistake.” I whispered this to myself before I became sick to my stomach at the thought of what happened here. I had been unfortunate enough to hear the doctors at the hospital that day, explaining to the police, in detail, what they determined must have happened, by her injuries.
I now started running the final lap Rose had endured to the open street where we came across one another. I was sweating before I even began. I could only imagine the horror she felt, only I really didn’t want to.
Once getting to the open street, I hunched over to take deep breaths and compose myself before heading back to the hospital and my truck.
“What Am I doing?”
I began my lonely journey back. It was now 11:20pm. But I came to a slow halt when crossing a back alley; something caught my attention.
“Did you see that fine looking thing tonight, she seemed so scared.” The smallest of the three shadowy figures spoke in a hush, but loud enough for me to have heard.
I stood in silence behind a corner of one of the landscaped buildings. Obviously I went unseen because they continued with their dialogue.
“To bad the guy showed up.” The three murmured with each other a little more and then began moving up the alley towards me. “Let’s get back to the house, I either need a drink or a cold shower.”
I ducked back into the buildings shadowy doorway to allow the threesome to pass me without notice. As I watched them pass I came up with some very stupid ideas.
Following the path Rose took, putting myself through that, may not of been too bright,
but I am pretty positive following these guys to their home topped it by leaps and bounds.
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7:00pm Monday Evening, September 7th, 2009
Over the course of the last week two weeks I had been consumed with two things, one was finding out all I could about those guys I had followed, and the second was, like every other day, visiting Rose and praying by her side that she would wake up. Both gave away to outcomes I didn’t like. The girl of my dreams, day and night, remained still in her silent sleep; and the group of miscreants I was looking into got no where.
I wasn’t really cut out for the detective work, but I did re-visit the home I had seen the group disappear into. I had found out that there were five guys, not three like I had originally thought, living there. It was obvious these guys did not attend school, they all seemed to work meaningless jobs. That was the brunt of my collected information.
The house seemed run down, almost abandoned. It could have very well been. It seemed like someplace you’d find drug users at, or a squatter location. I had seen no one else except the five of them, and when they were all out, it looked empty. I saw the odd light come on, but other then that rare occasion, it remained dark. It was a gray coloured, two storey, brick home with old windows, most of which were covered with thick black drapes. The front of the building had a large rundown veranda on it, it made me think that the place was probably once a nice looking home to a nice family.
The night before this one, after having visited Rose of course, I had a BBQ dinner with Emily and Brandon. I had barbequed steak and potatoes, I wasn’t totally helpless as a cook. We sat up and talked over some drinks for a while, discussing their wedding plans.
After they left, I called Todd and spoke with him for a good hour about our restaurant plans; although I remained rather lack luster about the topic. Of course both conversations drifted onto the topic of Rose and my feelings.
I had tried to put in a good nights sleep but I tossed and turned quite a bit, re-living my moments with her, from day one to the very end. I had taken the day off from work and I used the time to mope around the apartment. I did manage to get in a short nap though.
Now, here I was, being stupid.
I spied all five leave the house and when I knew the coast was clear I moved in. All the way I wrestled with my thoughts; “what the hell am I doing?” But something wasn’t right about these guys and I just had to know, I had to know if these were the ones responsible for hurting Rose.
The windows were old, and I figured I’d be able to easily get in. All I needed was something to point the cops in the direction of these hooligans. Once I got in though, by means of me breaking glass, I realized that breaking and entering may not help my case to the police. Yet if this was an abandoned house, like I suspected, it might be ok, or so I convinced my self.
I bumped in the dark a little until I got my small flashlight working, I then found a small desk with table lamp. Once I illuminated the dusty room with the bad décor and second hand furniture, I started looking through the desk, I then planned on moving into the plain white kitchen I saw off to my left. But I didn’t need to go any further, I hit a jackpot I had not expected. It was a drawer full of wallets, cash, and various credit cards.
Emily’s confessed mugging ran through my head. Another thought struck me.
“No, no , no.” I was pleading with myself as my shaking hands came to a pile of drivers license’s that I now picked through. Nightmares were coming for sure as my fingers came to Emily’s, and then, unexpectedly, Rose’s.
My first discovery had brought a single tear, but I was shaking now. I held tightly onto the two cards while frantically looking through the other desk drawers for a bag or something to throw all of the other driver id’s in. No bag was found, but instead, I came across a gun. I stared at the black metal object for a few seconds before taking hold of it.
“This is insane.” I muttered to myself as I turned to search elsewhere; I couldn’t very well leave all of those other people exposed like that.
Then I saw on the wall now in front of me, what looked like a collage of newspaper clippings. I walked closer and found a floor lamp. They were articles on other attacks, one which turned into a rape, the ‘stumped’ police, and even a few follow ups on Rose; my eyes glued to the black and white photo of her face beside the news column.
My distraction was probably the reason that I didn’t react as quickly as I would have hoped, upon hearing the front door open.
“Who the hell are you?”
I turned around to see three, then four, and finally the fifth of my surveyed foes from the last week, enter into the living room. I tucked the revolver I had found into the back of my pants.
“Fella’s.” One spoke and they all took in the sight of the open desk drawers and my obvious snooping.
My tongue was frozen.
“Seems someone was trying to make off with our acquired property.” The guy who spoke now was big, but looking around, they all seemed big. They all seemed dark too, half covered by shadow. They laughed like hyenas and circled like vultures.
“What should we do about this?” The short stocky one I remembered from the alley snickered coyly, but before he could add anything more, one of them grabbed at my wrist.
Holding my hand up, he pulled out the two licenses. “Looks like our friend here just wants these two.” He looked them over, then spoke with a sinister smile. “Emily Calendar, I remember this chick, too bad she was with a dude. This one though,” he held out Rose’s photo for his friends to gawk at. “I remember this bitch.” He said it with disdain in his voice. “These two, they mean something to ya’.”
I said nothing; but I felt the gun against the small of my back with every bone in my body.
“Of course they do.” The furthest one joked.
“Well then, I guess I’ll just have to choose.” He started with eany-meany, but then stopped. “What the hell, we were going to visit the one in the hospital when she woke anyway.” He turned his back to me, facing his crew, and laughed. “We’ll just have to see both now.”
'Wrong thing to say.' With one hand I grabbed the free standing lamp behind me and swung it hard to connect with the dude standing in front. My other hand reached around for the gun, and I immediately got off two shots. I actually hit someone too. But at the same time, another gun must have been drawn because I soon felt a burning sensation in my arm. And before another shot could come I quickly ducked into another room.
“You’re a dead man!” It was all I could hear aside from the cackling laughter. This was probably like a game to them, I was their prey.
My arm was throbbing, but I had to move. I saw a set of stairs, so I used them. 'Why am I going upstairs? This is not a good idea.' None of this night had been a good idea. When I reached the top, another bullet whizzed inches from my head. I turned to run down the hall. At the end was a window and I could only think to barrel through it to the street below, only once I crashed though it I realized it was only a short stop to a garage roof top. I raced to my feet and to the edge to jump down when another burning pain hit my side. I fell, but as I did I turned my body, realizing I still held my gun, and let off two more shots.
I fell to the ground with a thud and rolled to the side, crawling into the shadows of a
nearby alley, I sat myself up behind I garbage dumpster. I had One bullet left in this five
shooting pistol, and I couldn’t tell if the last shots I had spent had even hit anyone. I
could feel myself draining in the darkness of the night. I could hear the whirring noise in
my head.
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4:45pm Monday Evening, September 7th, 2009
(2 hours and 15 minutes earlier)
I had to say something before I went off and did something stupid. I had tried to confess my feelings kneeling by the hospital bed, but it didn’t bring me any relief. I didn’t know if this would either, but at least I would know that Rose would be awake when she read it. That’s what mattered.
So I wrote through my heart.
To my Dearest Rose,
You may hear a lot of things about why I did what I did, but I want you to know the truth.
I love you, Rose. Everything I did was for you. It began with you, and if it must, it will end with you. You will be my last thought. You are my every thought.
I could not go on knowing you were put in danger and I just sat there. I wasn’t going to do nothing; I couldn’t.
I know what we had was brief, and I know you ended things without uncertainty. But I can’t seem to let it go at that, I’m sorry. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with me loving you, even if unreturned. It is my choice.
I know what I am doing. You were wronged, and I feel that the moment you decided to call me, it was my duty to make it right.
You are a good person, Rose; and you deserve the best. Even if that is not with me, I want to at least give you the opportunity to find it. Do not settle for any thing less; follow your heart. I’m sure it will guide you well.
Be happy, Rose. That is enough for me.
I love you, Rose. Always have, always will.
Yours;
Jack
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The light was blinding and heavy on my head. Emily sat by my side in the hospital and held my hand, cupped in hers, as if she had been praying. With a huge smile on her face she explained to me that some passers by had seen some commotion in the abandoned house, and once hearing the first gun shot, speedily called the police. The culprits in the house, the three alive and one wounded, (I did hit that last son of a bitch) were arrested. My unconscious bullet riddled body was found in the back, blood seeping out everywhere.
“And if you ever do something that stupid again I’ll kill you!” She half smirked when she said it.
'Why did people think threatening to kill someone after they might already be dead would have any effects?' My mouth was too dry to speak, so I just nodded my compliance.
“I love you big brother. You can’t go dying on me, you are all I got. Sorry, Brandon.”
He sat to my right. “We’re both glad you’re ok. And thank you.” The police had taken all of the driver’s licenses and credit cards for evidence, but I knew what he meant.
“Me too. But no more hero stuff, not for a while anyway.”
I smiled while still gripping her hand.
“And it is a good thing that you didn’t go and die, because there is someone else here who just woke up yesterday and wants to talk to you.” She pushed back in her chair to reveal Rose in the next bed.
She was looking at me with a solemn face. The sunlight pouring in from the window behind me hit her like a halo surrounding an angel. I then looked down a little ways long enough to notice the letter in her hand.
“I think Brandon and I will go down to the cafeteria for a bit. But I’ll be back.” Emily said it directly at me, as if to say ‘don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.’
Once they left the room that held only the two beds, I directed my eyes back to Rose. Her hardened face began to lighten with a smile, and a single tear rolled from her.
“Thank you.” It was hard to hear her weakened voice but I could read her lips.
She glanced down at the letter, my letter, now hers, and then shot her dazzling eyes and beautiful smile back at me.
Her hand then reached out for mine, and as I took hold of it and allowed her touch to
warm my entire body, I knew where her heart was guiding her. Like pieces of a puzzle,
we had fallen back into the same place.
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